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Old 06-07-2008, 02:03 AM   #1
ItBeThatWay27
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Default Affection in public

Hmmm new territory for me and of course I need to ask everyone's opinion here. In the past as I've only been with women, I haven't had to give public displays of affection any thought... and when I say this I mean in moderation. I'm uncomfortable being overly affectionate with anyone, it's just not my style. But holding hands or the occasional quick lip kiss does no harm in my book, male-female, male-male, or female-female.
So anyway now that I'm in a relationship where it's pretty much taboo in society for us to show affection in public, I am curious to know what everyone else's opinion is on this issue.
I, myself find myself reaching for his hand and not even thinking about it. I don't consciously think "this is so gay and everyone is going to state at us"
I just feel love and I grab for my lover's hand. For him, it's different, he feels very uncomfortable with it, as if we are doing it for shock or that it's inappropriate.
It's hard for me because like I said, I don't think about it like that really, It's just me acting on a feeling. But the part of me that does sometimes think about it, thinks that people will never grow to get used to it and accept it if no one is ever doing it. Part of his reasoning is that he never sees any other guys doing it. Well to me it means that they are either scared of they think it's inappropriate too... so they are only reinforcing the taboo in my book.

The other discussion we'd had is children. At one point we both said it was probably inappropriate for us to hold hands in front of children and disrespectful to the parents who would potentially have to answer questions they are unprepared for... but that thought itself makes it seem like what we are doing is wrong... so it's very confusing.
I then came to the conclusion that if they aren't seeing us doing it out of just happiness and love for each other, then the possibility lies where they would be seeing others do it for nastiness and shock value instead.

It's a tough one I think. It makes me really sad sometimes too. I am just not used to having to hide in the shadows like this and now when I see straight couples holding hands and being affectionate it makes me really sad

Comments, thoughts, advice?
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Old 06-07-2008, 02:06 PM   #2
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My boyfriend and I don't hold hands or anything very affectionate in public. I used to try and hold his hand but he wasn't comfortable with it, so eventually I stopped trying. I'm not sure how things are in Texas either, so take that into consideration. The number one thing is make sure that you're safe; you don't want someone to lash out at you over something like this. I must say though, that I always get a warm tingly feeling inside when I see two girls or two guys holding hands or being affectionate... I feel proud of them for having courage where many people don't. You're really going to have to wait and see if he can ever become comfortable with the idea.
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Old 06-07-2008, 03:34 PM   #3
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I can only give advice based on my experiences with "PDA." It's not my thing, and a lot of my reasoning is based from reactions from other people andn ot wanting to cause a stir if I were to hold my lover's hand. However, that being said if it were ok for two people of the same gender to hold hands and anything else heterosexual couples are able to do without social stigma hindering thier expression, I'm not sure I would do it then. I don't like to hold hands....I like my freedom.

I hated it when my ex would stand real close to me and grab my hand...it just irked me. I like my space.

I can understand your dilemma as you came from a heterosexual relationship and how your expressions are limited now. It's a major downgrade, but don't feel glum about it. I mean you could just have easily met a woman who doesn't like to hold hands, right?

As for the kids thing, eh not your kids so don't worry. How their parents raise them is not your responisiblity nor should you have to worry about what you are "exposing" them too, heck you might help one or two out with some painful issuess later in life lol.

But good luck and nice to see you finding yourself.
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Old 06-07-2008, 09:51 PM   #4
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I always hold my wifes hand in public, strange because my ex wife and my ex gf i never did. Perhaps its because Inga gets a lot of attention that for me its more than a show of affection, maybe its a bit of nervousness on my part.......i think you know where im going with this lol.

We don't generally kiss in public but im guessing if its a boy/boy thing or a women/women thing then perhaps it would be more 'awkward' - sorry i hate to use that word.

Anyway, women/women can do what they like in public

Where's Andrea ? anyone know ?

lalalala
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Old 06-08-2008, 05:41 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JewelWiki View Post
My boyfriend and I don't hold hands or anything very affectionate in public. I used to try and hold his hand but he wasn't comfortable with it, so eventually I stopped trying. I'm not sure how things are in Texas either, so take that into consideration. The number one thing is make sure that you're safe; you don't want someone to lash out at you over something like this. I must say though, that I always get a warm tingly feeling inside when I see two girls or two guys holding hands or being affectionate... I feel proud of them for having courage where many people don't. You're really going to have to wait and see if he can ever become comfortable with the idea.
Well, I live in Austin, Tx which is really progressive. So I'm not concerned in that area. Of course if we were out in rural redneckville I would chill out some. But honestly, I am not all that scared of someone doing something to me and I've never been a big fan of fear being a reason for me not to do something. If that was the case I'd be pretty boring and tattoo-less. :P
I do think he's a little more fearful that I am, but see I am not scared to cuss someone out or yell back.
But I am respectful of him. If he really feels uncomfortable, then I can deal..

Quote:
Originally Posted by JThisWay620 View Post
I can only give advice based on my experiences with "PDA." It's not my thing, and a lot of my reasoning is based from reactions from other people andn ot wanting to cause a stir if I were to hold my lover's hand. However, that being said if it were ok for two people of the same gender to hold hands and anything else heterosexual couples are able to do without social stigma hindering thier expression, I'm not sure I would do it then. I don't like to hold hands....I like my freedom.

I hated it when my ex would stand real close to me and grab my hand...it just irked me. I like my space.

I can understand your dilemma as you came from a heterosexual relationship and how your expressions are limited now. It's a major downgrade, but don't feel glum about it. I mean you could just have easily met a woman who doesn't like to hold hands, right?

As for the kids thing, eh not your kids so don't worry. How their parents raise them is not your responisiblity nor should you have to worry about what you are "exposing" them too, heck you might help one or two out with some painful issuess later in life lol.

But good luck and nice to see you finding yourself.
Yeah.. I understand that it's not my responsibility but I do like to be respectful. It's mainly how I would conduct myself around other people's children in general. You wouldn't catch me cussing up a storm or dropping the f-bomb or anything around other people's children. That's just tacky. So even though I don't think it's tactless to hold my boyfriend's hand in public around other people's children, I still want to be respectful at the same time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluediamond View Post
I always hold my wifes hand in public, strange because my ex wife and my ex gf i never did. Perhaps its because Inga gets a lot of attention that for me its more than a show of affection, maybe its a bit of nervousness on my part.......i think you know where im going with this lol.

We don't generally kiss in public but im guessing if its a boy/boy thing or a women/women thing then perhaps it would be more 'awkward' - sorry i hate to use that word.

Anyway, women/women can do what they like in public

Where's Andrea ? anyone know ?

lalalala
dave.
Don't apologize for using the word awkward. Ha. It would be more awkward, but that's just how it is.
Anyways Andrea hasn't been around much, I think she's pretty busy with her schoolwork and stuff.
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Old 06-09-2008, 02:24 AM   #6
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You can be very proud for yourself! Because you have no fear to hold hands with your partner i think thats a very great character!! And sorry for that but it just makes me so mad when guys saying things like "lesbians are ok but gays not"..

And i think its very cool that you found such a cute partner, hope you are doing well for a long time!
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Old 06-09-2008, 01:31 PM   #7
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I ussualy don't do it.
Not because I'm scared or afraid. I just never really found the need to be like "look here is my boyfriend or girlfriend"

As far as the parents no offense to any parents on the forum, I say them. Their kids gotta learn one way or another. I mean for god sakes they watch seasame street. They should be use to seeing 2 guys together.
Seriously though don't be like freaked out if you see parents. They can explain it to their kids and if not then that's too bad for them, they need to join the 21st century.
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Old 06-09-2008, 01:51 PM   #8
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Gary - I'm not big on PDA either. Initially, Peter and I had to keep our relationship a secret from my family. I won't get into why but it meant we got used to not showing public displays of affection and to this day, I still don't feel comfortable about it in front of my family, even though Peter and I are no married with a baby.
It's out of my comfort zone I suppose and he respects that.
I personally don't feel like this is a homo/heterosexual thing. This can affect people in both types of relationship.
I wouldn't force the issue though. If he isn't comfortable, then respect that. It might change slowly with time. Peter are I love to hold each others hand in public but that's pretty much where it ends. We save our affections for indoors.

With regard to thinking about respecting children by not doing that in front of them, I can see where you're coming from but I don't think it's a factor that needs considering. Perhaps Ireland is getting more liberal but it isn't too uncommon to see 2 men or 2 women holding hands walking down the street. I remember my (then) 3 1/2 year old niece asking me why 2 girls were holding hands and kissing when we were in a park once. They were being very loving and nothing that you wouldn't see a hetero couple doing. I explained simply that love can come in many forms and sometimes it comes to people who are 2 girls and sometimes 2 guys. She seemed satisfied with the response and said no more about it. I suppose my honest approach that there was nothing wrong with it came across and she picked up on that. She's seen similar pda's since but it doesn't seem to phase her at all.

Kids are going to see it anyway on TV and magazines and even some advertising so you 2 holding hands in public won't stop the queries from children being raised at some point.
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Old 06-09-2008, 10:24 PM   #9
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Wow, Kiera I am really proud of the way you answered your neice's question. Michael and I have actually talked about how you would explain that sort of thing to a child, and I've talked to my friends with children and all my friends (and Michael & I) pretty much say the same thing. What you said. That love comes in many forms.
As far as him not being comfortable, well, he wants to be comfortable, the idea of it seems really great to him. He WANTS to hold hands and be okay, but I think he feels like he is walking around like "Look, this is my boyfriend" or just for shock value. And that's not what it's about. I think it makes him feel weird because he thinks it comes across like we're doing it for reactions - which is not the case.

Well, I thank everyone for their input here. I guess it's pretty unanimous to not even ponder the thought of worrying about other people's children. So that's cool.

Thanks again
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Old 06-12-2008, 05:34 AM   #10
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Theres nothing wrong with showing a little affection in public. Were all humans. Were all sexual in some way. Why hide it from the public when, frankly, theres no reason to care. After all, sex is the basic building block for life.
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